ADAPTIVE COMMUNICATION OF ANGER

Dr. Paul Standal encourages his clients to learn and practice healthy and appropriate ways of expressing anger within their relationships. He teaches his clients ways to express healthy communication of feelings to resolve conflict or negotiate solutions to a disagreement. He helps clients put their rational, self-conscious mind in charge as a foundation for learning rules for fair intimate fighting and conflict resolution. Trying to communicate when hyper-aroused is like communicating over the noise of a jet engine. Dr. Standal’s ultimate goal is to coach you in learning to communicate your displeasure about something in order to be understood and/or get your needs met while remaining in a rational, self-aware state.

Perhaps one of the most difficult things to learn to do in any relationship is to be able to express your anger or displeasure without damaging the relationship. The trick here is that one need not deny one’s anger due to the perceived risks in expressing anger, but that one does it in an assertive, rather than aggressive, manner. The principle here is that the more structure there is, the less the anxiety generated, and, thus, the inappropriately expressed anger.

Society (and our own safety) forbids violence or hostile aggression. Friendship or other interpersonal relationships (such as husband/wife, employer/employee) make explosive, verbal expression ultimately self-defeating. Just saying “That makes me angry” or “I do not like it when…” may not be as satisfying as bashing someone, but is far more satisfying than saying and doing nothing. There are, in reality, a few situations in which it is to your best interest to delay expression, but none in which you can afford to delay recognition or owning. Sometimes, it may be helpful to first let yourself vent angry energy. You will find it is very helpful to learn and be able to call upon behavioral techniques for releasing anger, helping you release the hyper-arousal generated by anger in a safe place in order to feel in control.