Transitioning From Work Role to Erotic Self

One rationale for why couples do not have the kind of active sex life they want, and one that Dr. Paul Standal hears most often in his work, is that they are too tired and stressed out from their day to feel erotic or seek sexual engagement. They are unable to let go of their task-oriented business to cultivate a sense of erotic anticipation and excitement.

An important area of sexual coaching is to help them in the transition from the daily grind of to-do’s and work-related tasks to one of openness and playfulness that might be conducive to having sex. You can’t be erotic or sexual if you cannot transition out of your worker-bee, task-oriented role.

This transition, from a task role to home partner and on to lover, requires active intent and some practical processes to initiate intimate or sexual engagement. Below are some suggestions for bridging that transition from worker to lover:

1. Build internal anticipation.

We often mistakenly feel that sex has to be spontaneous to be real. In fact, for couples who are mature sex partners, sex most likely has to be planned. Using mental rehearsal creates a sense of anticipation. Letting your partner know that you want to have a special night, using suggestive texts or emails while picking up flowers, candles, music and setting electronics aside, is a good way to increase anticipation in yourself as well as with your partner.

2. Create your own internal boundary.

Create your own internal boundary ritual that signifies the end of your workday and the beginning of your time for fun and engagement. You can shift your brain by using a physical or imaginary signal. Having a glass of wine with your partner can often tell your brain to turn off and start to relax.

3. Check in with your partner.

It is a great idea to check in and greet your partner when you first get home from work. Signaling that your partner is your focus and your priority, and that your connection comes first, is a wonderful way to initiate a transition.

4. Changing the ambiance.

This is particularly important for couples that are past the “Skyrockets in Flight, Afternoon Delight” stage of their relationship to become proactive in creating the mood conducive to erotic flow. Doing things like taking a walk with your partner when you arrive home or putting on some pre-set, romantic music with a newly opened bottle of wine goes a long way in creating a sexually conducive mood.

These ideas to facilitate your transition may not always end in a sexual engagement, but the point is that they create a context where pleasure and relaxed fun can switch one’s mindset and mood to create a space where pleasure and sex can take place with ease and flow.