THREE TYPES OF ANGER

Mostly all anger is motivated by fear. It is a response to a perceived external threat to one’s sense of either physical or psychological integrity, one’s sense of self.

Anger itself is not a problem. However, what people do with their anger can result in serious relational difficulties. Anger can be turned inward to fuel a sense of helplessness, depression and rage, used as armor to protest and reinforce personal boundaries, or ammunition to regain self-control.

Three types of anger can be sorted out and identified:

Frustration Anger
When you experience your anger as frustration, you turn your anger inward upon yourself. If someone asks if you are angry, you are likely to deny it—although you might admit to being “angry at yourself.”

Resentment Anger
When you experience your anger as resentment, you are likely to have a flair for finding a flaw in almost anything your partner thinks, says, or does. For example, it will be too soon, too late, too much, too little, inappropriate, in poor taste, or whatever. Problems in your relationship will seem to be your partner’s fault and the solution is always to get your partner to change in some way. As a result, you are likely to put more energy into blaming your partner than in solving your problem. You may express your resentment directly, engaging in frequent hassles that solve nothing. Or you may collect and store your resentments for future use (resentment mass). Resentment anger pushes your partner away, preventing real emotional closeness. Resentments keep us from feeling love for and from your partner.

Defiance Anger
When you experience your anger as defiance, you may sense an inner determination that says, “I’ll show you.” Your partner may try to cheer you up and reassure you with kisses and favors, but you lock in tighter to your anger. You may think to yourself: “Let him/her just try and make me feel better!”