Realistic Expectations About Sex

Educating couples about sex and intimacy is an important part of Dr. Paul Standal’s work as a therapist in couples counseling. Realistic expectations are crucial for maintaining a satisfying sexual relationship. It is self-defeating to demand equal desire, arousal, orgasm and satisfaction each time a couple is engaging in erotic engagement or intercourse. According to Dr. McCathy, noted sex educator, 35 to 45 percent of sexual experiences are very good for both partners, 20 percent of the time sex is good for one partner and fair for the other, and 5 to 15 percent of the time it is not satisfactory for either. It is important to accept “good enough sex” in a committed relationship without guilt or recrimination.

Contrary to common opinion, “saving it up” does not enhance good sex. It has been found that regular sexual contact facilitates desire and more healthy sex, keeping the anticipatory erotic channels open.

How much sexual contact is normal is an ongoing question for couples and one that often comes up in therapy. The answer is that there is much variance in sexual contact between couples, including the maturity of the relationship and age of participants. However, it is estimated that the average frequency for a couple varies from 4 times a week to one time every three weeks. A couple in a new relationship who are in their 20’s engage in sexual intercourse about on an average of 2-3 times a week, depending on their living situation, their circumstance and emotional closeness. The act of engaging in intercourse on the average lasts 3 to 7 minutes. However, the whole sexual experience, using the five stages of erotic touch, usually last an average of 30 to 45 minutes.

Because most men are intercourse and orgasm-focused, whether a woman orgasms during intercourse has become an important sign for men of a successful sexual encounter. In actuality, the female sexual response is more flexible, variable and individualistic than a male response. It is unrealistic to expect orgasm every time. Neither men nor women are sex machines. Women orgasm 70% of time and it is integral to female sexuality. For most women, intimacy, engagement, desire and satisfaction are more important than orgasm. Being non-orgasmic does not cut out the pleasure a woman derives from sex and being non-orgasmic has nothing to do with or mean they are “frigid.”

Every woman has a different orgasm pattern. Some prefer clitoral stimulation alone, multiple stimulations or none at all. However, only 1 in 4 women experience one orgasm during intercourse without multiple stimulation of different parts of the body or the use of lubrication. Though orgasmic experience lasts from 3-10 seconds, it requires an awareness of subjective arousal, erotic flow and self-permission to let go and enjoy the experience.

The variability in our sexual lives make requests by either partner (prolonged pleasuring, pace of stimulation, multiple stimulation, preferred erotic scenarios, vibrations, oral sex, clitoral, etc.) an essential part of a couple’s successful sex life.