MANAGING YOUR EMOTIONS ON THE  JOB

 

“Man is not troubled by events, but what man tells himself about those events.”

 

Quick Steps to Raising Emotional IQ at Work

 

If you want to raise the EQ in your organization, start asking people how they feel. Insist on getting feelings as the response, not thoughts disguised as feelings.

 

Examples of thoughts in disguise:

 

• I feel like…
• I feel that…
• I feel as if…

 

Here are some steps to follow:

 

Step 1

 

Start with these feelings. Ask them specifically, on a scale of 0-10, how much they feel:

 

• Respected
• Appreciated
• Supported

 

Then wherever the number is less than 10, ask what it would take to raise the numbers. Then do it.

 

Step 2

 

Ask about how much they feel:

 

• Criticized
• Controlled

 

Ask what it would take to lower the numbers. Then take action.

 

Step 3

 

Start expressing your own feelings. Begin sentences with:

 

• I am afraid…
• I feel confused about…
• I appreciate…
• I feel concerned about…

After expressing your feelings, let your employees figure out what to do. Don’t tell them. Don’t underestimate their intelligence and rob them of a chance to feel good about themselves.

 

Step 4

 

Start thinking about the impact your words have on their feelings. Remember we all do our best work when we feel good about ourselves.

 

 

Primary emotions identify our unmet emotional needs (UEN’s); secondary emotions are not so clear. For example, if I say I feel ignored, I need to feel acknowledged. But if I say I feel angry, it is not clear what emotional specific need is unmet.

 

* Unmet Emotional Needs Cause the Majority of Problems at Work *

 

The emotionally intelligent manager, then, knows how to identify and manage UEN’s of both the customer and the employee.

 

More Desirable Feelings Which Management Can Help Create

 

• Respected
• Acknowledged
• Supported
• Helped
• Trusted
• Appreciated
• Important
• Special
• Irreplaceable
• Useful
• Needed
• Valued and valuable

 

Effects of Positive Feelings

 

When our emotional needs are satisfied, we feel better, and when we feel better we are more:

 

• Productive
• Motivated
• Adventurous
• Patient
• Complimentary
• Creative
• Cooperative
• Open-minded
• Flexible
• Understanding
• Empathetic
• Compassionate
• Accepting

 

A Five Step Plan to Manage Feelings

 

 

1. Identify the primary feelings.
2. Identify the cause of the feelings.
3. Ask, “What would help (me/you) feel better?”
4. Generate options.
5. Choose the best option.

 

Communicating Negative Feelings

 

• Express your specific feeling (Example: “I am afraid that…”)
• Ask for help (Example: “Can you help me understand…?”)
• Avoid “you messages,” which put other on the defense.
• Avoid judging, labeling and criticizing.

 

Respect

 

All humans need to feel respected, even the least powerful. To show respect to someone we must respect their feelings. Respecting feelings includes asking about feelings, validation and empathy. Respecting someone means asking how they would feel before making decisions which affect them.

 

Customer Service

 

• Teach representatives to look for and validate feelings
• Ask what would help the customer feel better
• Set goals for key customer feelings
• Track them and manage them
• Use a simple scale, such as 0-10, for each feeling
• Avoid saying things like, “It is company policy,” “I am not authorized to do that,” “There is nothing I can do,” and “You should have gotten the person’s name.”

 

Key Feelings You Want Your Customers to Have

 

• Respected
• Important
• Remembered
• Acknowledged
• Satisfied
• Helped
• Understood

 

Performance Evaluation

 

• Ask subordinates and co-workers how they feel around this person
• Key feelings to track are:

 

• Respected
• Controlled
• Criticized
• Supported
• Appreciated
• Relaxed
• Judged

 

• Preventing sexual harassment problems
• Teach employees to express their feelings directly
• Teach them what invalidation is
• Teach them what it means to respect another’s feelings
• Take invalidation seriously
• Arrange a facilitated conflict resolution session, including both parties

 

Summary

 

• Start talking about feelings
• Start respecting them
• Start assigning value to them
• Include feelings in decision making and problem resolution
• Listen to the most sensitive people in the organization
• Strike a balance between emotion and logic
• Develop the EQ skills throughout the organization
• Prohibit invalidation
• Make your business a place of mutual respect for feelings
• Identify the key feelings important for success
• Establish feeling goals for employees and customers
• Use a simple scale, such as 0-10, to track feelings