Interventions for High Conflict Couples

The hallmark of high-conflict couples is the inability to let go of the relationship. High conflict occurs when one or both parents involved in a conflict cannot or will not let go of their marriage battle.

Frequent intervention by the court is usually necessary because the family’s adjustment is constantly disrupted. Conflict occurs when there is contact and/or communication between the parents. The conflict allows the parents to maintain their marital relationship. They never emotionally end the marriage, even if both of the parents remarry. Couples in these relationships fight to hold onto the relationship but have great animosity towards their ex-partner. The book I Hate You: Please Don’t Leave Me gives a perspective on this kind of relationship. One or other of the partners becomes an emotional, high-maintenance basket case with an inability to let go of their anger. Their emotions become out of control being a real problem for the children. These couples constantly fight over every childcare decision.

The problem with these couples is that there is no reasonable resolution to the conflict since it is seated in deeper personality constructs. The best solution is to create a highly structured situation with limited or no contact between the individuals. Custody and visitation with children must be iron-clad and any deviation is taken to the court for remediation.

An additional element that often triggers conflict occurs when one or both of the warring parents becomes involved in a new relationship. The new partner often is dragged into the fight, automatically becoming part of the war. Their relationship actually thrives as they work together against the “ex,” their common foe. However, the children often become the victims of this ongoing, triangulated struggle.

Recommendations for Ending Conflict and Protecting Children

1. Reduce face-to-face contact between you and the other parent.
2. Eliminate all unnecessary communication.
3. Keep your new mate behind the scenes, as a supporter, not an instigator.
4. Plan and implement monthly activities with your children that don’t include your new mate.
5. Design monthly activities with your children that also include your new mate.
6. Never make your new mate part of your child-sharing exchanges or discussions.
7. Redirect the “fighting energy” toward creating positive dreams with your new mate and your newly defined family.

By Deena L. Stacer, MA © 2000 Stepfamily Association of America