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1. Apologizing prematurely.
2. Refusing to take the fight seriously.
3. Withdrawing, evading toe-to-toe confrontation, walking out, falling asleep, and applying the “silent treatment.”
4. Using intimate knowledge of partner to hit “below the belt,” “playing them,” humiliating.
5. Chain-reacting, throwing in the kitchen sink from left field, bringing in unrelated issues to pyramid the attack.
6. Being a “pseudo-accommodator,” pretending to go along with partner’s point of view for momentary peace, but hoarding doubts, secret contempt, resentments, private reservations.
7. Attacking indirectly (against some person, idea, activity, value, or object that the partner loves or stands for).
8. Being a “double binder”—setting up expectations but making no attempt to fulfill them; giving a rebuke instead of a reward.
9. “Character analysis”—explaining what the other person’s feelings are.
10. Demanding more…“gimme”… nothing is ever enough.
11. Withholding affection, approval, recognition, material things, privileges…anything that would give pleasure or make life easier for the partner.
12. Undermining—deliberately arousing or intensifying emotional insecurities, anxiety, or depression; keeping partner on edge; threatening disaster.
13. Being a “Benedict Arnold”—not only failing to defend the partner, but encouraging attacks from outsiders.
* Adapted from “Man, the Manipulator” by Everett L. Shostrom. Comp1iments of: Psychiatric Day Hospital, Hibbing, Minnesota
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