CONTROL AND ANGER

We are often afraid of being revealed as inadequate, or lacking in self-esteem. As a result, we are afraid of experiencing a loss of self-worth and this fear, in turn, leads us to try to regain control of feeling the fear. To stop the fear, we often turn to and engage in compulsive—and even addictive—behaviors, including attempts to control other people. Styles of controlling others are varied. Some people are aggressive, while others are passive-aggressive in their controlling behavior. There are many ways to try to control other people in order to feel a sense of adequacy. The use of anger and the threat of consequences are common.

Anger is a fundamental feeling, created by thoughts and perceptions about situations. The use of anger can become a habit in attempting to get what you want or to control events and people. Dr. Paul Standal advises that you not focus on uncovering all the origins or underlying causes of your anger, but, rather, focus on what sets off the anger and how you can make it work for you.

If you find yourself being controlled or intimidated by anger or find that you are trying to control or intimidate someone with your anger, it is important to become aware of your actions and intentions and intervene to stop this behavior because of its toxicity to any relationship. It is important to focus on your own thoughts and feelings, whether you are on the receiving end of someone else’s anger or the one attempting to intimidate another through your own anger.

Keep in mind that, when you find yourself in a situation where there is anger, it is important to attempt to follow rules of fair exchange:

1. Appropriate use of assertive voice tone and volume
2. Non-violent physical gestures and body position
3. Use constructive communication styles that do not communicate blaming, judging, etc.