ASSESSING “RED FLAGS” IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

 

Place your answer to the questions below on the scale, using a percentage of the time your partner generally displays these behaviors in your relationship. Answer the questions again, assessing how you think your partner would answer the same question, and put the percentage on the scale in parenthesis ( ).

1. Your partner use labels to describe the other partner or others.

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

2. Your partner use uses sarcasm instead of direct communication of feelings.

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

3. Your partner interrupts you when you are trying to communicate on any subject.

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

4. Your partner invalidates you, especially when you feel good about something you have done or something about you.

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

5. Your partner is all about him or herself and changes any situation back to himself or herself.

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

6. Your partner talks about and compares you other people, other relationships, and former partners.

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

7. Your partner blames other people and never really takes or accepts responsibility.

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

8. Your partner uses false positive regard, lies, guilt, “shoulds,” etc. to manipulate and get their way.
Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

9. Your partner boasts and name-drops in order to raise themselves in your eyes.

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

10. Your partner is evasive, with many secrets and off-limit topics.

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

11. Your partner is undependable and inconsistent. What he says and what he actually does are two different matters.

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

12. How often do they say something like, “I don’t want to get into that,” or “Let’s not go there,” or “Don’t ask.”?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

13. How often does this person ask too many questions, as if gathering information, without giving you corresponding answers?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

14. How much time and money do they spend on distractions, such as video gaming, internet chat, texting, internet porn and mood band-aids, like TV, movies, fiction books, cigarettes, alcohol, etc.?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

15. How much do they spend on external appearance management, like cosmetics, make-up, hair products, clothes, and jewelry?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

16. How much do they still concern themselves with their parents’ and siblings’ approval?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

17. How much work do they do on improving themselves and are willing to seek help to heal the damaged relationship?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

18. How rigid are they?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

19. How defensive are they when they feel out of control or wrong?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

20. Do they have adequate coping skills and problem-solving methods, and, if not, are they willing to learn new ones?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

21. Can they take compliments and identify why they believe they are lovable?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

22. How often are you saying “I’m sorry,” feeling guilty, asking what’s wrong, trying to read his/her mind, and/or wondering what you did wrong?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

23. How much do you feel dependent on him/her and how much do you believe you can’t leave the relationship?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

24. How much of the time do you feel that you have unmet emotional or physical needs?

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)

25. Your partner has had multiple or ongoing emotional and/or physical infidelities with other men or women.

Rarely Often
(0————————————————————————————————————-100)